Tag Archives: life

%$#Life….got that figured out yet???

Once upon a time I thought that I had life all figured out…yup…but I was wrong!

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I always thought I knew what I was doing and what was going to happen next.  I had life all figured out, before giving myself a chance to live it.  That all changed when a “monkey wrench” was thrown into my plans!  Back in November 2014, I was in a very minor car accident that left no harm to my vehicle.  Instead…something rare was discovered on my heart.

I didn’t know it then, but I had a “thymoma” on my heart a.k.a. cancer of the thymus gland at stage 2.  I never felt sick or anything strange with my heart or chest area before, but I am so grateful to God that this mass was found!  A few months later, in early January, I had it removed.  It was a very difficult time period from November to January.  I had no idea what was  going on in my body.  All we knew is that it was an “unknown mass” on my heart at the time.  All the events of getting blood work done, MRI’s, doctor’s visits and being told that I couldn’t have a biopsy done because there was a possibility that the needle could go through my heart if I coughed or sneezed on the operating table….did not put me at ease, needless to say.

During this time, I was very uneasy, avoided people, avoided phone calls from the surgeon…it was a tough time mentally and emotionally to grasp this new reality.  I had never been hospitalized before, except for the birth of my child…so all of this was very weird and shocking.  As the day grew nearer for my surgery to take place, I shed a ton of tears in private.  I also disclosed to all of my family members what I was facing.  The most important part was for everything to go right, so that I would be around to raise and watch my wonderful child grow.

However, as it became closer to the day of my surgery, something took place on the inside of me….a major transition of emotions. On the inside, I had become bolder and more confident.  More confident in knowing that I’ll be okay and come out of surgery even greater and stronger than before.  Weird sense of intuition, but I knew I’d be okay as the day grew closer.  I put all of my trust in God.  However, the night before my surgery I couldn’t sleep…I might’ve slept for about two hours…the suspense in waiting kept me up for most of the night.

January 12th was here before I knew it…and I was a nervous wreck!  I was off to the hospital and it wasn’t long before I was in preparation for the surgery to take place.  I remember being wheeled back into the room and seeing many rows of scissors before they performed the robotic surgery on my heart.  Not long after freaking out in the operating room, I fell asleep and only remember what came next…

Which was the excruciating pain that I was in after being cut open and poked and prodded everywhere!  LOL!

The entire experience was a major journey and turn of events in my life.  I was in tons of pain during recovery and home for nearly a month.  Soon after healing up…I underwent six weeks of radiation therapy every morning before going to work.  Throughout all of this, I am truly thankful to God, my family, friends, co-workers, doctors, surgeons, anesthesiologists, nurses, and therapists for their support, encouragement, and kindness.

When it comes down to it…I thought that I had life all figured out.  I knew what was next, hey I knew it all.  HA!  As for having life figured out, I don’t.  And that is okay, because this sudden turn of events has ignited a strength in me that won’t die.  I’ve encountered so many emotions along this path from sorrow to uneasiness, to a strength to live life fully.  I may not have life figured out, but I choose to live and that’s half the battle to living a fulfilled life.

Life may throw some unexpected turn of events your way, but embrace them as part of your “journee” for a learning experience that cannot be compared to anything else.  Trust God.

~As always…thanks for stopping and feel free to share your thoughts and comments below.

Freedom in a New Light

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Changes and transitions in life can throw us off, especially when they are unexpected, but you never know what God is up to when they occur.  The older we become, the more difficult it becomes to adapt to major sudden changes in our lives.  Although it can be hard to face change…don’t knock it because it could be a good thing….a very good thing.  People come and go, jobs change, living situations change, money changes, and friends may even change….but if you’re ever looking for something constant, God is.

We cannot control the outside forces that push us to transition into another place in life, however can do have control over how we react to it and whether or not we grow from it.  We cannot even control the reactions of the  people in our lives that may be faced with the same situation and pressure and that can reveal the true contents of the people/ person that we may be around.  We don’t always understand the “why?” or reason things happen…but they do…and if we stay still long enough and remain calm, the reason “why” may be revealed to us.

If I’m talking about changes and transitions so much, then why did I entitle this post “freedom in  a new light?”  Well, because the shifting of people, places, and things that can happen during major life changes can actually bring about a new freedom and light in our lives.  I’ve talked about it before…about 7 months ago I split up with the father of my child.  He refused to allow me to get mines and our daughter’s belongings on numerous occasions.  At first, I admit it set me off…mostly because he doesn’t even provide for her…but God.   He actually ended up trashing and destroying 96% of mines and my daughter’s belongings, but that is okay.  I’m no fool, I prepared for that moment without believing that it would happen.  I began replacing my daughter’s toys, clothing, and shoes before the occurrence.  As for myself, I lost so much weight in the transition that I wouldn’t have been able to fit most of my old clothing anyhow.  However, I was able to retrieve important documents, my daughter’s favorite tutu’s, and my designer bags before he had a chance to trash that.

Yes, this sounds horrible and low down dirty for a person to do, but it was for my good.  I didn’t need that stuff and the more I wasn’t around, the more I didn’t desire that “stuff.”  All of that “stuff” contained old memories that were tossed into the trash, I don’t need them.  I don’t need a daily reminder of how poorly I was treated by someone I devoted myself to and trusted for years.  I am not bashing the individual, I am just saying that through all of that and getting past the emotions of anger and sadness has allowed me to have a freedom in a new light.  Through it all, God kept me.  There is no other way to put it.  The change happened, major life transitions were into place, and I had to remain calm.  Yes, I cried often, very often…but after the tears I did see the new light.  The new light of happiness, freedom, and life that was waiting for me.  I didn’t snap or lash out against the individual, and even to this day I don’t.  I’ve forgiven and now I move on.  I could not control how he reacted to me or individuals nearby, but I could control my emotions and reactions. 

If I didn’t control my emotions or reactions, I’d be out of a job, would have let down my child, and disappointed family and friends.  I was able to remain so calm, that my father had to call me one day and ask “how are you doing with all of this?”  The question caught me off guard, because I just put my daughter as my responsibility ahead of how I was feeling.  She has needs and she has a mommy and loving family that meets them.  I didn’t think twice about my obligations or leaving them and I’m so glad I didn’t.  No matter what comes your way…it’s gonna come, just be conscious of your reaction to life’s events and happenings and trust God.  Always remain calm, peace will get you farther than anger.  Operating off of anger can be poisonous and set you back farther than what you desire.  Always be mindful of how you carry yourself and react around others.  Yes cry, yes scream, yes yell, yes vent to loved ones…but there is a time and a place to do that.  Hey, even get counseling if you need to.  I thought about it once…but when they say time heals all wounds….it’s kind of true, trusting God and allowing time to take it’s course can help.

If you look into my eyes now, you won’t find tears, because they have turned into strength and determination to build a better future for my family.  Sadness was apart of my life at one point, but today I smile and sing, because God has brought me this far and I am truly grateful.  I may not have all the material wealth that I’d like to possess, but I am content with what God has blessed me with and to me, that is living.  What God has blessed me with, I will no longer sit on or just look at idly…but I’m pounding the pavement and have raised a level up to aggressive ambition….if I fail, then so what….doesn’t mean that I’ll give up.  What is success without knowing what failure is?  Failure is not my end.  This new freedom and light of understanding that I posses gives me the strength to carry on knowing that God is with me always.

 

As always…thanks for stooping by…

Stress x Emotions x I choose to GROW

Eeeekkkk!!!!  Today was not the easiest of days, but I made it!  I guess that’s the best part of the day.  But sheesh!!!  There are some days that I am just appalled, truly appalled by people and their lack of character.  It is truly amazing and sadly deceitful.  Five years ago, I would not have tolerated this at all.  However, I have responsibilities that I take on full time that I must consider before making an irrational decision.  When I made decisions in my early 20’s, it was to benefit me.  However, at this time in my life, I do have to take into careful consideration that I have a beautiful toddler to care for.  Sadly, there is rarely any help or relationship with her father.  That….I still do not understand…but I no longer question what happens.  So much has happened, why should I be surprised anymore?

Any how…I am just venting…but the moral of the story is…I’m learning.  Learning how to cope with the sweet and sour of life.  Life happens and God is in control, all I can do is trust him.  In the mean time, I am more than sure that opportunity will present itself for me to grow and move on into greater positions that I know that God has for me.  I know that many of you may be going through some tough situations, and I encourage you as well to push past the emotions and into the mindset of this being an experience in which you can grow and conquer.

 

As always…thanks for stopping by….

Changes in the forecast

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Some people last in our lives…..and others disappear when their season is coming to a close. We cannot predict the future, nor can we make certain relationships last. When the expiration date appears, it is time to move on.

When it comes to relationships….we wonder if there was something different we could’ve done to avoid the split. Whether it be a friendship, intimate, or casual relationship, we always want to make it to work. Sometimes, we replay the events in a relationship that has ended to see if we could have done something different or if it was solely our fault.

The entire process can be complicated, however it is healthy to move forward in life. There is nothing healthy about moping around in the past. The future is always ahead of us and the present is here. So there is no day like today to make a step forward in a positive direction.

If a step in a positive direction constitutes mending the broken relationship, then do so with care. If mending the broken relationship is not an option, then forgive and move forward. No matter how badly you were hurt by the other party, you cannot truly move forward until you let go of the past. Letting go can be a difficult concept to grasp, however it is necessary.

Never force yourself to feel something that isn’t genuine. Time can help heal your wounds and you will not fully move on until you are both emotionally and mentally ready to move on and healed. So take your time and make a move in a positive direction every day. There is no need to be the antagonist of your own life….you have a full life to live and more to give.

As always…thanks for stopping by 😉